One day, it gets too much, and they arrange a secret rendezvous. Sometimes at
a bar. More often at a seedy motel, so they can shag like rabbits and really do
all those things they'd told each other.

And that's where reality hits.

Often, your cyber lover isn't quite as you'd expected.

Don't express your disappointment, though. There's no reason to be rude. It's
unlikely you told the complete truth, either, after all.

This month, we look at the things you should avoid saying when first meeting
your cyber lover.

• Nice beard. Sue.
  
• You sure type better than you look.
  
• You know, I wish life had an undo key.
  
• I thought you said your body was "average" sized. You never said "for an
  elephant".
  
• Great set of wheels. It's a pity about the chair.
  
• Is it OK if I use my laptop to cyber with my Russian mail-order bride while
  we do it?
  
• When you said you were 'fragrant', I didn't think it meant you had the worst
  body odour problem since mankind stopped living in swamps.
  
• Nice tits, Greg.
  
• I am a little disappointed that you brought along you husband, yes.
  
• Well, on reflection, it does make sense that your a fat, pale, pasty geek,
  yes. You are online 24 hours a day, every day, after all.
  
• I'm sorry I didn't mention that I've got AIDS. But hey! I'm here now, so
  let's shag.
  
• You're a lot balder than I imagined, Kathy.

Readers Hints

• When I told you I was an life saver, I lied. I really weigh 205.
  class=contributorname>HpN
  
• Oh, it is so nice to meet you this close. It is so much better then when I'm
  talking to you on the net, while hiding in the bushes under your
  window.
  HpN
  
• Oh, I thought your picture was upside-down.
  class=contributorname>HpN
  
• No, you're not ugly...this blindfold is because of my...sensitivity to
  light?
  Ashley Peterson
  
• Oh my God, Mum. Why didn't you tell me you were unhappy with Dad.
  class=contributorname>Brian Vo
  
• I'm sorry i just remembered an appointment with the barbers, they mightly
  slit my throat for free.
  N A
  
• GRANDMA?!?!?!?! WHAT THE...
  Will G
  
• Mary... why is there a bulge sticking from between your legs?
  class=contributorname>Will G
  
• I thought you was the one on the left in the pic. NOT your left, my
  left.
  Pegasus All man part horse
  
  
• Can you pinch me? I think i'm having a nightmare.
  class=contributorname>Stephen Carmody
  
• I've gotta be back home by 9.30, or my mom will get mad at me....
  class=contributorname>Will G
  
• You just gave me an erection
  Will G
  
• Richard, I know you told me you had a birthmark on your face... but you
  never told me it looked like a DICK!!!
  Lost Soul
  
  
• Oh, Im sorry... I thought the one in the picture was your pet
  chimp...
  Lost Soul
  
• Well, all things said, you really are an expert on how to use all the
  features of Photoshop for doing image touch ups.
  class=contributorname>Andrew Brisbane
  
• Do you mind if we stick by our chat room names, I think I'm a lot more
  comfortable shagging you as 'HotMommaXXX'
  Andrew
  Brisbane
  
• What the??? Your not a MILF!
  Andrew Brisbane
  
• I'm really sorry but Lookin4Love2000 couldn't make it. I'm his best mate
  ShagAnything22 if your still up for it!
  Andrew
  Brisbane
  
• And all is time who would've thought that you were the same chick who walked
  past my office window each day and that we all poked fun at!
  class=contributorname>Andrew Brisbane
  
• Look, I'll never say anything about this for the rest of my life, eternity
  and beyond if you'll do the same thing. Dad.
  class=contributorname>Andrew Brisbane
  
• So that was really a photo of your next door neighbour hey? Cool...is she
  around?
  Andrew Brisbane
  
• I did bring this paper bag just in case, so here you go.
  class=contributorname>Kaite
  
• Oh my god.....It's bigfoot.
  Kaite
  
• When you said you liked children, I didn't expect you to bring some with
  you? Oh, they're yours, are they?
  madgorgon
  
• No, I wasn't lying, I just gained 100 lbs this weekend.
  class=contributorname>Kevin AciD
  
• So you’re not really an anorexic, obsessive compulsive, single, vegetarian,
  amputee, body building, pig shooting, orphan with red hair and narcissistic
  nymphomaniac tendencies looking to experiment?
  class=contributorname>Matt Kemp
  
• You wanna see the pimples on my ass? I've got a huge one on my right
  cheek...
  Lost Soul
  
• All of my previous boyfriends have left me because they say I talk too much.
  But I think the internet is just the place for me because I type very slowly. On
  the other hand, I can say roughly 3 words per second. Dont you find that
  amazing? Everyone else tells me I talk really fast. They say Im a talking
  machine, as if my only purpose in life was to talk. You dont think I talk too
  much do you? cuz I really like you and I want to meet you again some other day.
  I know this place... its just about three blocks from here, and its absolutely
  gorgeous.......... .. . . . . . .
  Lost Soul
  
• I'd like to phone a friend please, Eddie.
  class=contributorname>Paul Ritchie
  
• NOW I now why you don't have webcam.
  Paul
  Ritchie
  
• I'm here on behalf of my brother to tell you he couldn't make it today. He
  died 3 years ago.
  Paul Ritchie
  
  
• Does that thing on your face have a name?
  class=contributorname>Paul Ritchie
  
• Do you mind if I kiss your dog instead?
  Paul
  Ritchie
  
• Oh good God! I thought you just had something stuck to your face in the
  photo. What IS that?
  Leish
  
• Weren't you in that ad. for Michellin?
  R.R.
  Daniel Kahn
  
• "I'm arresting you for coercing a minor and attempting to take them to your
  place of abode illegally. You do not have to say anything in your defence, but
  anything you do say will be taken down and used in a court of law. Do you
  understand your rights?"
  Louee
  
  
• What? the gut? Yeah, it's part of my conditioning for the martial arts I
  told you about.
  The lip plate? Yeah, that too.
  class=contributorname>Louee
  
• I was going to ask you were you got your hallowe'en mask from, but maybe I
  shouldn't bother.
  CozB
  
• F1! F1! F1! (Thats the help key)
  Jer Ste
  
• Holy Mother of GOD!!!! Um... I'm sorry, it's just that I'm very Catholic...
  em... er... No it's not because of you! It's... it's just that... is that hump
  REAL?!?!
  Juan Ra
  
• WHOA!!! A LIVING NEANDERTHAL!! When did someone defrost you?
  class=contributorname>Lost Soul
  
• I listen to the Backstreet Boys all the time.
  class=contributorname>Lost Soul
  
• No sorry. I'm not "romance2000". I'm his more up to date version,
  "romance2003". He sent me to tell you that he is eloping with another girl and
  says sorry but he'd pay me to shag you to make up for it.
  class=contributorname>Nikki Thompson
  
• My credit card number is......
  Lost Soul
  
• No hablo ingles
  Lost Soul
  
• Im Saddam's Number 1 fan GO IRAQ!!! Holy ****, Look, Ive gotta go... the CIA
  is after me again!!
  Lost Soul
  
• I just love Charles Manson's work, dont you?
  class=contributorname>Lost Soul
  
• I'd like you to meet my Mum and Dad. They still wont let me go out without
  them.
  Lost Soul
  
• Im not a virgin!
  IM NOT!
  I've had sex with my hand before.
  class=contributorname>Lost Soul
  
• Hi, My name is Rob and I'm a dentist and thats why I can't show you my
  face.....
  Moff
  
• Honey, what the..? Why were you in the wannahavesex room?
  class=contributorname>Shaq
  
• No, really, take off the fur coat! Oh... it's actually YOUR fur... Well, as
  long as you don't reproduce ASEXUALLY I'm ok with that, let's shag.
  class=contributorname>Juan Ra
  
• Whoa!! Nice Chewbacca outfit!!! Im a STARWARS fan myself!!
  WHAT?!?! that
  ain't a costume? Whoops!
  Lost Soul
  
  
• Doesn't everybody like to cross-dress???
  Lost
  Soul
  
• And I thought Austin Powers had the worst-looking teeth in the
  world.
  Lost Soul
  
• Where I come from, it is common for needy men to hump cows. Of course, I've
  never done it, Im saving myself for marriage. THEN I will try it.
  class=contributorname>Lost Soul
  
• I'm prone to spontaneous combustion!
  Juan Ra
  
• No, that isnt KY, its for my yeast infection.
  class=contributorname>Tanya H
  
• Hmm, that goiter's kinda cute... may I have sex with it?
  class=contributorname>Tanya H
  
• VD is just like chicken pox. You've either had it, have it, or are going to
  have it.
  Tanya H
  
• This is Ted. I met him at my anger management class. Don't worry, he always
  foams at the mouth.
  Tanya H
  
• Damn crabs is freakin' itchy.
  Tanya H
  
• I have found bliss in giving up my earthly possessions and in the toil of
  manual labour. Are you ready to embrace the Leader into your heart?
  class=contributorname>Tanya H
  
• To be completely honest with you, remember those three months I was offline?
  I wasn't really skiing in the swiss alps. I was doing badly in my fight against
  syphilis and had to be committed. But I am in the clear now.
  class=contributorname>Tanya H
  
• You can make out the constellations from all the pimples in your
  face!
  Juan Ra
  
• Ohh... you really are a comedian.
  Been There
  
• Your looking very nice today Mr. President
  class=contributorname>Shaq
  
• I dont know what I was going to say now.... Oh yes...I know...: 'So you do
  actually have a decent web cam, its just your face thats pixelated?
  Interesting....and your mouth isnt in sync with your speech, either? Have you
  crashed? You arent moving at all...why do you have 'System Overload' written on
  your head? Hello? Pardon? Fatal exception error? Do you need a doctor for that?
  What, you are infected with repeating, untreatable viruses? I think I ought to
  shut this date/a down...'
  What, you STILL dont
  know my fiest name? Well, Im not telling you. So there. *oh* For heavens sake!!!
  Bates, ok? BATES!!!!!!!
  
• Ctrl + Alt + Del...!!! (to abort the program)
  class=contributorname>Juan Ra
  
• Oops...!
  Juan Ra
  
• Out of 100,000 sperms, you were the fastest one?
  class=contributorname>Juan Ra
  
• On second thought... I'd rather not click on your 'floppy drive'.
  class=contributorname>Silent Dan
  
• Hey, how's it going? *sneezes* excuse me... i must have picked up a small
  cold on my trip to Hong Kong last week
  Lost Soul
  
• Hey, you're that famous rock star. Now I understand your fetish songs. You
  owe me 50% of your money, since I gave you most of the ideas.
  class=contributorname>Shaq
  
• So when you said you where cute, that was just a typing error?
  class=contributorname>jordan aero
  
• Its much smoother if we pick all the scabs off first.
  class=contributorname>Jaymie M
  
• Hi Lisa, I heard there was congestion at Heathrow. Was it bad? Oh, sorry
  Simone. Lisa's next week.
  Pegasus All man part
  horse
  
• I just wanted to tell you I'm joining a monastery. No really, I am. Now, if
  only I can find a taxi...
  Paul Ritchie
  
• Did you fart????????..... ohh... no it was me from before...
  sorry...
  Carlos Zeus
  
• Hi, how are you? Oh, you're a women! So am I.
  class=contributorname>Brandy
  
• AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
  CozB
  
• Haha you're kidding, right hahahahahahahahaha ...please be kidding!
  class=contributorname>CozB
  
• So, that was your father's picture, hum? Yeah, I can see that you're a
  little bit more hairy then he is, Susie. By the way, don't you have by any
  chance a cousin named It, do you?¿?
  Platon Brasil
  
  
• Yeah, I forgot to mention that I'm cripple. But I didn't lied! I really do
  resemble Superman!!
  Platon Brasil
  
  
• Yeah you told me you were an experienced girl, but I had no idea that you
  would have to sneak out of the rest home to come meet me!!! But since you are
  here.....
  Platon Brasil
  
• I feeling guilty because I lied about being an 9 year-old boy, while you
  told me the truth the whole time. You really are Michael Jackson!
  class=contributorname>Platon Brasil
  
• Hi there, my real name's Hannibal Junior. I'd really like to grab something
  to eat. Let's hang out in my place.. What do you say?¿?
  class=contributorname>Platon Brasil
  
• I really would like shag with you, but I'm too afraid to get lost in this
  enormous blackhole. And I'm only talking about your navel...
  class=contributorname>Platon Brasil
  
• I'm actually an erotic film producer, and I would like to hire you, because
  the things you wrote me in the chatroom proves that you really have a brilliant
  future awaiting for you in that awful hotel across the street! This is the
  chance of a lifetime! Come on!!
  Platon Brasil
  
• Hi, My name is Mike Tyson.. Nice earings.. can I taste it?¿?
  class=contributorname>Platon Brasil
  
• I'm an official, identical double of Saddam Hussein. The bad news is that he
  lost an arm, a leg, an eye and his penis.
  Platon
  Brasil
  
• Three magical words: I like porn.
  Goldfish
  Poodle Boy
  
• Five more magical words: I like George W Bush.
  class=contributorname>Goldfish Poodle Boy
  
• It appears that money spent on lie detection software was not money well
  spent
  nick oliver
  
• I have two paper bags. One's for you, the other is for me in case yours
  comes off.
  Anthony Phillips
  
• I sure hope that's chocolate all over your face...
  class=contributorname>Silent Dan
  
• Do you have a name for each arse cheek?
  class=contributorname>Pegasus All man part horse
  
• When you told me you could press 130 Kg, i thought you meant in weights, not
  your own weight!!
  Pegasus All man part horse
  
• Shh! No baby dont say it! Your voice ruins it for me. Here, here is a pen
  and paper. Write it down for me, ok? Its so much sexier this way. I even have
  different colored crayons for later. Does that turn you on?
  class=contributorname>Kellie
  
• Please stop grinning at me like that. Teeth make me very uncomfortable. I
  brought this drawing of a yellow smiley for you to point to whenever I make you
  happy. Here you go.
  Kellie
  
• What are ya gonna do for a face when the monkey wants its ass back,
  eh?
  ja maw
  
• Man, Dawn of the Dead's got nothing on you!
  class=contributorname>Faux Angel