Colleagues that suck

Author: Paul Knapp Posted: March 08 2005 Word Count: 484 words Read 13393 Rating:

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The "standards" guyThis is a non-technical person who's managed to con his way into a well-paid technical role. Not bothered to learn the difficult skills involved, he tries to find something else to do. That something always turns out to be "standards" otherwise known as "telling people who know more than you how to do their jobs". This guy will tie you up in endless meetings to discuss boring documents he's written. All his recommendations will either be impossible, stupid, or inconvenient; but management will love them. Before long he'll have you spending more time on his red-tape than on actual productive work.The smelly food eaterThis person will be sitting beside you having curry for breakfast on the morning you've got a hangover.Mr DisagreeableAny meeting with this guy quickly turns into an argument. He lives to contradict others. He never makes any suggestions of his own.The parasiteAnother one of those pesky technical people who've never bothered to learn technical skills. This person drifts from project to project attaching themselves to more competent colleagues or "mentors" as they sometimes call them. They make sure the mentor is accountable for the project, so it will be guaranteed to be done well. Then they send the odd email, produce a couple of documents, and wait for the credit to roll in. If the project goes wrong, they make sure that it's known they were only there to learn.The attractive girl with a short skirtAt first this person appears as if she's going to be a great colleague. It won't be long until she has your entire team at each other's throats though.The code thiefNow I don't mind when other people use my code in their applications, actually I find it flattering. What I do mind is when they just rip it out without telling anyone else and then pass it off as their own work. I also don't like it when components or applications of mine are given cosmetic changes that make it look as if they've been reworked rather than just stolen.The nitpickerPrepare to have anything you ever do gone over with a fine tooth comb and mistakes pointed out to your boss. This guy won't be happy until you're a quivering puddle of humiliation.The music imposerThe company doesn't provide you with sound cards or speakers? Don't worry, this guy bought his own from home. We all know that nothing helps more than blaring New Guinean rap music when you're struggling with a difficult technical problem.The seventy-hour week guyHe'll be in when you arrive and still working when you go home. He's often in on the weekend. It's only a matter of time before management starts encouraging you to follow his example.The mobile phone left on the desk personAlways in meetings or out to lunch, his mobile phone rings constantly at full volume. His choice of music? The Ride of the Valkyrie, of course.Paul Knapp (brainbox@consultant.com)

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